Mid-term crisis, or seeing the world in black in white

It’s already six months that I’m staying in Croatia, and there are six more to go. The things are getting more complicated, and early spring depression is about to come. It seems that there is nothing good anymore about staying in Croatia, speaking English and having a routine life (that I was dreaming about 3 weeks ago). Everything is not easy.

My Schengen visa expired. It means I can’t go to Florence next week in case I feel like visiting the cradle of Botticelli and Fra Angelico, or eating pasta under black cuttlefish sauce. I need to ask for an invitation, undergo the whole visa procedure in the embassy and pay money. Again. To have an access to crossing European borders for other two months.

 Salsa doesn’t bring joy anymore. I found my new passion – salsa. It’s amazing how joyful and relaxing it can be. Imagine that you go to the club and instead of seeing drunk under-aged teenagers stepping on your toes and trying to grab your ass, you swing, laugh and enjoy. Enjoy meeting people who discuss Balkan culture instead of whether to take another vodka shot, enjoy being alcohol-free ‘cause here you don’t need alcohol to have fun, enjoy learning how to dance: something I considered myself to be incapable of) Yet, this week I didn’t feel the flame anymore, and although I believe it’s just tiredness and ‘weather’, it added to the general state of pessimism.

 ‘Human factor’ is upsetting. I’m a result-oriented person who prefers to have everything planned in advance and is not fond of unpleasant surprises. Actually, no one likes surprises unless we are internally ready for them, otherwise they cause stress and discomfort. What happened is people dropping out of the events, people being irresponsible about previous agreements, people changing their plans without prior notification and even feeling the need to notify you. It’s true, shit happens. But when it happens again and again, it becomes really irritating, no matter whether it’s personal or professional life.

 It seems that I’m super non-professional mediocre personality with nothing to offer. Half a year to go seems both long and short, and the question ‘What is next?’ arises again and again. I don’t know what country I wanna go to, what sphere to stay in, what to do next. Should I concentrate on looking for a job, internship, study grant? Should it be Asia or still Europe, the country I’ve been to or a new one? English-speaking, German-speaking or Slavic?

People say that it’s ok not to know what you want from your life at 23, but I feel miserable. Moreover, feeling low, I don’t see opportunities now and rather concentrate on obstacles: Ukrainian nationality, difficulty in getting a working permit, degree in linguistics, having only Russian, Ukrainian and English as working languages. Not impressive for an employer, right? And I will definitely not become a software developer with a European citizenship and 5 working languages in half a year.

Fears, fears, fears. We all have fears of darkness, height, public speaking, staying lonely, getting old, not achieving anything significant in our lives, losing what we have. I have a fear of not finding such friends as I have in Ukraine, of not having enough motivation now in this transit period, not to have someone to drag me out of it.

Yet, there is always a ray of hope. And ‘a half-full glass’ to see. Instead of Florence I can haunt fresh emotions in Montenegro, and my friend is coming at the end of April to make a Balkan (Serbia, Bosnia, Croatia) tour for which I need no visa. Today I will try contemporary dance which will hopefully bring me body-awareness, new contacts and good influence on my salsa skills. People are people, we can’t change them, but can accept the way they are and choose those who we prefer to be surrounded by. And yes, I will definitely find my way after EVS in Croatia. After all, I can always give a shot in becoming a stewardess, return to Ukraine and work with non-formal education for young people or go to China and…whatever.

 Regards, Juliya.